I’m back…
Wow its been awhile. So many things have happened since I have written here. For anyone who has read my previous post in personal discovery, I thank you. I hope maybe you found something to connect with in my words. I still think about that morning, my mind on the brink of something I couldn’t describe. My eyes were being opened to something that was there all along, but I never took the time to appreciate. Id like to take this time to explain my journey. A journey into myself.
I wrote my last piece during a time of complete isolation. As I have stated previously I have always been a loner, somewhat of an outcast. What I failed to distinguish previously was that there is a rather large difference between being “alone” and being “lonely”. No matter how independent I thought I was, the reality was I felt lonely. Now stop right there, I know your painting that non conformist ” I am a rock, I am an island” image. That wasnt me. What im describing is something I believe that mopst of us don’t like to admit. Some people bury themselves in hobbies, bars, friends, family, but at the end of the day it creeps in. Some people leave their hometowns in pursuit of happiness and ”new faces”. I have had friends that move away, boast about how amazing their new town is, and within a year the same friends are reminiscing about how much nicer it was “back home”. Funny thing our minds, they trim and shape our memories for us to better remember the good parts. Most of the time the reasons to change the things around us our are just as cloaked in denial as our own self images on whether we are happy or not. You can change the faces, buildings and even the weather you choose to live in, but at the end of the day when you lay your head down on your pillow, the same ghosts will come to haunt you if you can’t be honest with yourself. Everything I write is just my opinion, so I don’t expect everyone who reads this to agree. Its my own opinion, and ultimately what lead me to my own happiness that brings me to this blog today. I have merged my loneliness with being alone. The key is to be completely content with being alone. Cherish it even. If you can be alone without being lonely you have stripped so much unnecessary weight from your mind. Shed light into those dark crevices in your mind. Face your inner critic and take control. We aren’t here on this planet for very long in comparison to the bigger scheme of life, so don’t spend the majority of it chasing delusions. Heres where you get offended. I’m not attacking your dreams of becoming famous, or the next president. That is all good as gold. I’m simply just trying to help cut through the nonsense. What I am saying is that it was my own nonsense that led me to where I am at now. I am almost thirty years old and I am thankful that my eyes are open now. I’ll tell you this neat trick my father taught me a while back. I know we all get sick of our drives to work, home, and the same boring drive to the grocery store. But next time on your way to one of these places, try to notice something that stands out. For me I’ve been noticing the trees. Or on my way home there’s this old rundown cemetery where I’m pretty sure the most recent grave would be dated somewhere around 1819. I’ve been driving by that cemetery for years. But I never noticed the stones in detail before, now I do. Or the huge white oak that stands out in the farmer’s field on my way down to work. That is an awesome freaking tree. Its been there much longer than myself, or my parents for that matter, but I just noticed it the other day. Its small gestures like these that can help build the foundation for a healthy mind. It’s too easy to get caught up in all the crap going on around us. I mean come on, crap is on wholesale these days. But there just as many good things to look forward to as well. Now put your index finger to your head and repeat: “it all starts up here”. And now keep that finger where it is and place your other hand on your heart. Hell, stand in front of a mirror and face yourself, this stuff works. Now say this aloud: “My happiness all starts up here. Do my day-to-day decisions up here (head) agree with what im feeling in here (heart)”. If you can honestly face yourself and those two things agree, well then that awesome. No really, it beautiful actually. I think most are in denial about that part of their lives. Now if you disagree with that little test, that’s cool too. I’m just trying to explain my journey here. My journey started with facing myself just like that, and with little gestures like noting new things while driving around on my day-to-day. Next thing I knew I began putting myself in new situations just to purge my own anxiety. It was a lot of fun. I felt like a frontline soldier in the trenches of my mind. One of the things during that time which still amazes me today is the lack of kindness I met. I began saying “hi” to strangers more, holding doors, and exercising public patience. Public patience in itself is a battle royale so ill save that for another blog. It’s amusing to say “hi” to strangers and get a look in return that would suggest I should be in a straight jacket. Its pretty sad actually. It was all these little things I began doing that slowly empowered me. My inner happiness factory was beginning to produce again. I had a long way to go, and still do, but it began. That momentum of positive energy was building. I don’t think I could ever go back to that state of mind if I tried my hardest even now.
Well I have to go now. I am going to be more faithful to my writing. This blog isn’t over, it’s just beginning. Hang here with me in my words if you find them comforting. There is a lot more for me to tell. Thank you.
